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Welcome to the March 2002 edition of this Free Quarterly Newsletter for people interested in deepening the emotional intimacy in their lives. My name is Trina Swerdlow and I'm a professional writer, artist, and meditation teacher living in northern California. The goal of this newsletter is to provide information that will increase your emotional intimacy on two levels--first with yourself, then with the people in your life.
Emotional intimacy begins from the inside out. To be truly emotionally intimate with another, we must first have an emotional connection with ourselves. In other words, we've come to know ourselves underneath the protective armor. Then, from this rich place of self-awareness, we authentically share "who we are" with safe others.
The term "safe others" refers to people with whom we've established a strong foundation of trust. With the trust in place, we have a safe container for sharing our strengths as well as our vulnerabilities. This approach to emotional intimacy encourages soulful connections with a variety of loved ones--including a mate, dear friends, and close family members. In this way, the gifts of heartfelt emotional intimacy come when we risk knowing and being known by others.
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IN THIS
ISSUE:
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I.
Inner Excavations
II.
Peering Below Your Topsoil
III. BIO/Contact
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I. Inner Excavations
Becoming deeply acquainted with oneself is no small task. For this reason, connecting emotionally to one's inner workings is an ongoing, ever changing, and lifelong process. What makes this endeavor a slow but rich experience is that often the spiritual self or essence is buried under many layers of the personality. Therefore, getting past the encrusted layers to connect with the spiritual or divine self can be quite an excavation process.
Similar to a real geological excavation, chipping away at your inner (hardened) rock formations to get to the gold beneath can take incredible perseverance and patience. In addition, it helps to not make the trip alone. Having the support of fellow seekers (including a therapeutic or spiritual guide) can make the journey much more productive and fulfilling.
Another gift of having other "hands to hold" is that if your own flashlight becomes dim and tired, the light from companion seekers can help you navigate your way until you’re recharged. Also, having the love and support from others can assist you in finding compassion for some of the parts you may discover directly under the surface--that aren’t exactly "easy to meet"--and may initially provoke a harsh inner judgment. For this reason, seeing through another's eyes (hopefully gentler) can be a wonderful influence until you find your own "soft eyes."
For me, letting go of harsh judgments toward some of the vulnerable, what I consider "less-than-perfect" parts of myself, is an ongoing process requiring periodic updates. In order to see myself (darks, lights and grays) through compassionate, loving eyes, I find that first I need to identify, then remove the judgmental glasses I'm looking through.
This process allowed me to see that some of the outdated "prescription glasses" I was harshly viewing myself through, dated back to early childhood and belonged to people who were projecting their pain and frustrations onto me. Even though these visions were old and distorted, I carted these lenses around and believed they were accurate. It was painful to realize I’d unconsciously kept renewing the prescriptions of these incredibly distorted glasses... year after year.
By no coincidence, a rich experience came my way that increased my ability to look upon ALL of myself more compassionately. It happened while I was attending a daylong workshop about speaking from the Authentic Self. The purpose of this seminar was to create a safe container for finding your authentic voice and sharing it with others.
For the first exercise, the workshop facilitator had each of us pair up with someone we didn't know. We were asked to face each other, gently hold our dyad partner’s hands and then take turns speaking from our hearts. As you might imagine, this was quite scary for many of us at first, but as the day went on, defenses melted and people began truly enjoying it. Late in the day, playful laughter could be heard circulating freely throughout the room. In fact, many of the participants discovered that hearing and being heard by soulful, safe strangers could feel quite wonderful.
Near the end of the workshop I was paired off with a fellow in his thirties named Anthony. I'd noticed him earlier in the day because of his physical challenges. It appeared that a birth defect had left him with a malformed body. His head and torso were normal sizes, but his legs and arms were short and misshapen. From the ends of his wrists dangled a few tiny fingers.
For the final exercise of the day our facilitator asked us to not speak at all... but just hold our partner’s hands and experience being authentic without words. "Let the body and the eyes do the speaking this time," he suggested.
I nervously began thinking how Anthony must be struggling with this new version of the exercise. A heavy sadness crept into my chest as I looked at his hands and connected with the parts of me that sometimes feel different from and "less than" others. Unbeknownst to me, however, I was struggling MUCH more with this exercise than Anthony was. I continued to project my feelings onto him until I heard the facilitator give the signal to begin.
Anthony reached toward me first and offered his warm, misshapen fingers. As I reached back and looked into his eyes I saw a loving, compassionate confidence like I had NEVER in my life seen before--from anyone. He'd handed me his fingers with such exquisite grace that I too was able to experience and feel their beauty. It occurred to me that Anthony was much more at peace in his own skin than I was. After letting various emotions flow through me, I was able to join him in the peaceful silence of simply being. It was truly a radiant experience.
For this reason, Anthony turned out to be a fellow excavator that day. He spontaneously turned his flashlight in my direction and modeled compassionate, confident, self-love. What a soulful gift he shared.
Since then, whenever I'm struggling and finding it difficult to see another or myself compassionately, I simply tap into "seeing through Anthony's loving eyes." That immediately shifts my vision and thoroughly warms each cavern of my heart.
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II. Peering Below Your Topsoil
Letting go of seeing your vulnerable sides through harsh eyes can be a powerful first step toward finding your own "soft eyes." For this reason, it may be time to assess how old your visual lenses are. (Wouldn't it be wonderful if LensCrafters sent out periodic postcards reminding us to have our INNER VISION checked?)
Are you ready to practice seeing yourself (the vulnerable sides) through compassionate eyes? If so, then come up with something about yourself--a personality trait or a physical feature--that you struggle with. Identify what situations trigger the inner struggle most often.
Now think about someone who looks/ed at you in a compassionate, nonjudgmental, and loving way. Try to remember the look in their eyes and imagine yourself looking back at them. Can you let in the person's "soft eyes" around the issue you identified that you struggle with? Notice how your body (particularly your heart) feels when you think about this. Gently breathe into this experience and allow it to nurture you.
Know that the reward of this deeply fulfilling re-visioning work, is learning to lovingly see yourself through your own "soft eyes." Here are several soulful questions that will allow you to continue peering below your Topsoil. Consider them while meditating or journaling:
1. When I look at myself through harsh eyes, whose prescription glasses am I annually having refilled?
2. Am I willing to take off any hurtful lenses I've been wearing and be open to seeing myself through my own "soft eyes?" (Or, if you prefer: Am I open to "seeing myself through Anthony's eyes.")
3. I know I will continually grow and change, AND can I love and accept all of me (darks, lights and grays) in this moment?
Did you receive any new insights from this inquiry? Several people who worked with this material said they were surprised to receive more clarity about where/who some of their own harsh self-judgments were coming from. They even visualized taking off the negative glasses and returning them to their original owners.
In order to increase the external emotional intimacy in your life; consider discussing your insights from this inquiry with a supportive, close friend. Mirroring back compassion with one another around the outdated negativity can be healing for you both.
Finally, know that by softening your eyes toward yourself and others--you ultimately soften your HEART as well.
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III. BIO/Contact
Trina Swerdlow, B.F.A., is a writer and illustrator. Her illustrations appear on greeting cards, calendars, posters, websites, logos, and in books. Trina's illustrations and bio are included in Outstanding American Illustrators Today 2. Her writing specialties include inspirational and self-help. Trina says her creative fire burns the brightest when she's designing products that will, in some way, benefit others. In addition to doing her writing and art, Trina also enjoys teaching meditation.
Bestselling author John Gray, Ph.D., endorsed a personal growth product Trina invented and marketed for several years called the Thera-Tool Figure (tm). This five-foot tall canvas doll was an inspiring gestalt tool used by hundreds of therapists across the U.S. This powerful tool assisted many people in releasing and healing pain and anger.
Trina’s e-mail: eiwriter@yahoo.com
For
earlier editions of Trina Swerdlow's Heartfelt Guide to
Emotional Intimacy, log onto the web site listed below and click the
bottom link--"Most Recent Messages."
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Heartfelt_Emotional_Intimacy
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This newsletter is intended to provide information, and is sent with the understanding that the author is not engaged in rendering psychological or other professional services.
© Trina Swerdlow 2002 -- All rights reserved --